ITT: We're at the Acadamy of Villainy (2024)

As your horse carriage comes to a stop, your carriage driver—someone so debonair yet so drab and morose that he could easily be mistaken for an undertaker—opens the door, and you step out.

With a suitcase in one hand and an information brochure in the other, you take yet another look at the brochure that you've already read through dozens of times before. "Your path to infamy begins here," the cover flap begins, "at Baron Von Caligula's Famous Evildoers Training School, the World's premier private school for all things villainous."

Putting the brochure back in your coat pocket, you take notice of your surroundings—a small, remote village in the Romanian mountains that still relies on the horse and carriage as the chief means of transport. Looking up in the mountains, you notice one very foreboding manor that matches the one pictured on the brochure. The weather sucks, but you've come too far to turn back now.

After taking some time to travel up the mountains, you finally arrive at the front door of the manor where a hunchbacked creature which you can't tell is actually human or not is there to greet you. He takes your bag and leads you to a dark room filled with other applicants just like you. In time, a dark, tall, and fearsome gentleman in a black robe introducing himself as "Mr. Ratfang Ravenblood" appears and gives you the rundown.

"Welcome, you pathetic whelps of wretched worm women! As you may have come to realize, this planet is faced with a severe manpower problem at the moment, much of it caused by the large number of dashing do-gooders and charismatic champions of justice sitting around with nothing to save and no one to fight.

What we have is an astoundingly astronomical shortage of bloodthirsty brutes and global enslavers, which is where we at Baron Von Caligula's Famous Evildoers Training School come in. Give us six short weeks, and we will transform you from the slivering slimeballs I see before me now into venomous vermin of first class villainy!

Now if you will all please follow me to where we will be conducting your aptitude test where we will deem how fitting you are to be an accepted applicant at our fine school..."

In the adjacent room you are led to, the wall opposite from where you and your fellow applicants are standing is lined with small infants in baby carriages.

"Right, each one of these bedwetting babies is holding in their tiny hands a piece of candy, and I want YOU to walk up to walk up to one and take that piece of candy!"

Sooooo... What do you do now?

edited 11th Jul '13 9:52:16 PM by SeanMurrayI

Take the candy, obviously.

Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.

Pah, too easy.

Take the candy, give the candy back to the kid, take the candy, give the candy back, take the candy, give the candy back, fire laser at kid, take the candy.

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

But then you don't have the candy. The entire aim of the test was to take the candy.

-Eats the candy-

edited 25th Nov '10 7:49:02 PM by Pentigan

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

Take the candy, then scare the piss out of them. And maybe kick them around a little - injury to insult and all that.

edited 25th Nov '10 7:52:23 PM by MsieurLapin

You notice one applicant fail to take the candy away from his baby and somehow manage to get poked in the eye.

"Farnswell! That is the most pathetically putrid failed attempt I have ever witnessed! Report to the Chief Disemboweler immediately!

Farnswell ain't looking too well.

edited 25th Nov '10 7:58:30 PM by SeanMurrayI

-Hands Farnswell my laser gun-

Give Disembowler hell, show him that strength ain't nothing when you've got a laser gun.

-Goes and takes the candy from his assigned baby-

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

Showing sympathy for the weak and worthless, are we? To what appellation do you refer to yourself as, you fraternal felch?

edited 25th Nov '10 8:06:50 PM by SeanMurrayI

-Goes over and whispers to Sean-

Sir, it's trapped, why let one go off to demise at the hands of another when I can cause two deaths directly?

By the way, the name's Pentigan, you better remember it. My aims are global.

-Small explosion comes from corridor-

edited 25th Nov '10 8:09:40 PM by Pentigan

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

-scoffs- Sweet crispy Thor! I thought this was supposed to be a premier private school, not Aunt Pansy's Daycare for Whiny Wimps. Two people already showin' they haven't got what it takes...

edited 25th Nov '10 8:11:03 PM by MsieurLapin

Just one moment...

3... 2... 1...

-Fire alarm sounds-

-In the enschewing chaos I grab all the candy-

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

There babys, for gods sake. How hard is it to take some candy? And here I was hoping my classmates WOULDN'T be complete fools this year.

Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.

Mr. Ravenblood is pleased by your villainous disregard for authority and your readied willingness to be as evil as possible so quickly. He personally guides you to the next step at the Academy.

"...However, 'Pentigan' just doesn't have that wretched ring that strikes fear into the hearts of innocents. You're going to need a new name. How about... Darth Drulax, Dark Devourer of the Dead?

edited 25th Nov '10 8:23:40 PM by SeanMurrayI

Hey, if I'm allowed to get creative I'm damn well gonna get creative. And don't you call me a fool, got it? -_-

Now then... what's the next test?

edited 25th Nov '10 8:30:02 PM by MsieurLapin

Yes, I'd like to know what else you'll be making us do.

Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.

Right, so if any of you nonce novices want to stand ANY chance at being a Treacherous Tyrant of the World, you gotta be able to SOUND like one!

Mr. Ravenblood reveals a chalkboard with a list of general Stock Phrases for evil characters.

"Now repeat after me, *Ahem* SANCTIMONIOUS SCUM! You shall all SUFFER and DIE!!!!!!! And I really want you to enunciate those S's."

edited 25th Nov '10 8:38:32 PM by SeanMurrayI

Sanctimonious Scum, You shall all suffer and die.

A bit short, How about this?

You lowlife, pathetic scum are unworthy to bow before my feet. I shall do you a favor and send you into a never-ending vortex of pain and suffering, and perhaps I shall be merciful and end your pitiful existance.

edited 25th Nov '10 8:42:56 PM by Firestarter

Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.

Okay then... -Under breath- Voice of the Serpent...

-Small green glow around neck-

Ssssso ssssmall, thessse humanssss... Sssso weak, sssso easssy to crush beneath my handsss... Fear my name heroesssss, for I am the Fivesssside...

-Under breath- Clear.

-Glow dissapears-

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

"Sanctimonious scum, you shall all suffer and DIE!"

... Y'know, it's not really my type of line. How about "Booyah, bitches!" followed by a grenade to the face? That seems a little better time-wise and I could easily execute it.

edited 25th Nov '10 8:53:30 PM by MsieurLapin

"WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WROOOOONG!

Where is that raucous rage and arrogant alliteration that's supposed make your enemies suddenly soil their clothes and recoil from the ringing reverberations from your revered voice?"

"Excellent elocution, Darth Drulax."

"Absolutely NOT! How do you expect a co*cky hero to come back with a quippy one liner to make himself look cool when you feed him trite drivel like THAT?"

edited 25th Nov '10 9:04:08 PM by SeanMurrayI

I prefer a more Sophisticated as Hell Lady of War theme than "revering reverberations."

edited 25th Nov '10 9:20:35 PM by Firestarter

Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.

Thank you sir, but that name just screams 'Lasts 1 (Or 2) movies before dying' I would prefer something with a little more possibility of Joker Immunity.

It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.

hello im a transfer student-hides bag full of weapons-so where is my seat?

I am bad at picking things.